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*It slowly fades out…we then hear the faint noise of fans cheering, it grows louder and louder and louder until it is deafening…we fade into an outdoor party…it’s a wild one. There are GCWA fans everywhere, walking around with beers in their hand…there are several games for them to play…a basketball goal game, the game where you swing a sledgehammer and try to make the bell ring, a dunk tank, featuring Martin Ka’Berryon and a certain booth that has been shut down. We look away from all the games and turn our attention to a stage…on the stage we spot GCWA superstars Warrick Hill and The Big Bifford…they are both holding mics in their hands…we zoom in and Bifford speaks*
Bifford: I can’t believe President Ace is allowing this to air!!
Warrick Hill: No Shit, when we pitched the idea of a Blood on the Battlefield Pre-Show, I thought for sure we were going to get shot down…but, here we are!
Bifford: I have the best ideas.
Warrick Hill: This is going to be so badass, look what I found on the ground walking over here!
Bifford: THE Tommy Flamer is here?
Warrick Hill: Yes, he will be performing in a short while on this stage…I’d guesstimate that the fans interest ranges from non-existent to tame
Bifford: He doesn’t even have to show up, that poster is more awesome than he could ever be.
Warrick Hill: Never count Flamer out…by the way, fans, we must apologize, the ‘Guess My Weight’ game has been shut down and, well, I’m not gonna name any names, but a certain someone tried to participate and he shattered the scale.
Bifford: Ace really needs to spring for a nicer scale next time…that scale was crap.
*A bikini top flies into our picture and hits Bifford in the face. He picks it up and licks his lips…Warrick stops him*
Warrick Hill: Hate to be the prude here, Biff…but let’s wait until we’re off camera.
Bifford: I’ll fondle her bra while I’m interviewing The Lost Soul, should make for a great interview!
Warrick Hill: Ah, yea, that’s right…the lineup for this pre-show…folks, we’ve got three interviews set up…along with some fan interviews, a special match at the end of the night and, a secret celebrity appearance that Biff is about to announce….
*Biff straightens himself up and puts on a serious face, taking this surprise announcement very seriously*
Bifford: I have booked a celebrity so in demand, so popular, so extravagant that I had to make the booking a year in advance. Now, how did I know we’d have a Blood on the Battlefield Pre-Show a year in advance? That’s a good question.
*Warrick looks at Bifford for a moment, Bifford avoids the answer*
Bifford: Anyways, tonight, we will be receiving Blood on the Battlefield predictions from none other than…BEA ARTHUR!!!
*The crowd, aside from a few super drunk fans who will cheer anything, grows silent. Biff, with his arms in the air, notices he’s not getting the reaction he was anticipating…Warrick taps him on the shoulder and whispers something into his ear. Upon hearing it, Biff’s face drops…he speaks*
Bifford: Well, that would certainly explain why she hasn’t been returning my calls, emails, texts and flowers…
Warrick Hill: You seriously booked her a year ago?
Bifford: To the date, my friend
Warrick Hill: Wow, she checked out like eleven days later…weird.
Bifford: Martha…
Warrick Hill: What?
Bifford: Nothing.
Warrick Hill: Well, since Bea is out of the lineup…who’s left to interview?
Bifford: Well, I’ll be interviewing my best friend, Dangerous Dan, along with The Lost Soul…we have great chemistry you know.
Warrick Hill: You and TLWho?
Bifford: Yes, and don’t call him that…we have great chemistry.
Warrick Hill: You said that.
Bifford: I am the proton to his electron.
Warrick Hill: Sounds like a love story just waiting to be written. I, on the other hand, will be interviewing the 2009 Wrestler of the Year, Lurrr!!
*The crowd cheers wildly*
Bifford: This show is going to offend so many people.
Warrick Hill: Good thing it’s an extra on the DVD and won’t see any of your local cable channels!
Bifford: Oh, really? In that case…
*Biff lifts the bra to his face…we cut away to the Blood on the Battlefield IV logo*
*The screen flashes over to another section of the festival where, at a picnic table, The Big Bifford is sitting down with a cardboard cut-out of Dangerous Dan. Bifford looks across the parking lot at the cardboard figure and gives it a dirty look.*
Bifford: Well, here I am with my mortal enemy Dangerous Dan. Dan, you’ve been through a lot so far in 2010.. I mean, you came so close to making it to the finals of the Warrior of the Ring Competition and then you came soooo close..hehe.. to beating me for the Warrior of the Ring Championship at Darkness Falls. How do you feel your odds are of becoming X-Division Champion?
Bifford (doing a Dangerous Dan-impression): Well, Bifford, I think I’ll come so close.
Bifford: Excellent. Well, Dan, you’re fighting your brother or cousin or something in this match. How does it feel to be pitted against your own flesh and blood?
Bifford (doing a Dangerous Dan-impression): Well, Bifford, I don’t feel good about it. I don’t like it. It’d be like you fighting Arachne.. I’d like to be a champion again, but I don’t think I have it in me to beat my tag team partner..
Bifford: Well, that sucks. I’ve beaten Arachne twice because I know what it takes to make it to the top. Maybe one day you will too. Lastly, what are your thoughts on me?
Bifford (doing a Dangerous Dan-impression): Well, Bifford, you are amazing. I feel your awesome presence filling the world with excellence. You frighten me because I know I cannot beat you. I also am positive that you will be World Champion after tonight.
Bifford: Do you have any advice for me in my match? I mean, I know you’ve fought the Draco before.
Bifford (doing a Dangerous Dan-impression): Well, Bifford, you are amazing and you don’t need my advice. Just be natural, because you are the most naturally gifted superstar in GCWA and perhaps the entire world. I would give my first-born children to you as a sacrifice just to be able to lace the boots on your shoes.
Bifford: Well, that might be going a bit far, Dangerous Dan.
Bifford (doing a Dangerous Dan-impression): Never! I can never go far enough to sing your praises, Bifford! May your reign as World Champion be long and prosperous!
Bifford: Thank you, Dangerous Dan. But, the fact remains that we’re enemies. So we shall fight now.
*Bifford stands up and looks across the picnic table at the cardboard cutout of his mortal enemy. He launches his huge body over the table and tackles the cardboard figure and begins punching it as the scene changes to Warrick Hill who has been watching the interview on a monitor.*
Warrick Hill: What the hell was that? Not sure? Join the party…while we get some more things sorted out, let’s take a look back at Blood on the Battlefield II!
*We fade to the Blood on the Battlefield II logo*
*We fade back in where we see Warrick Hill standing alone*
Warrick Hill: Welcome back, everybody…Bifford ran off to score some tickets for the Flamehead concert…so, while he’s gone, I’m thinking it’s a good time to air an interview I conducted a couple days ago. I met up with reigning GCWA Wrestler of the Year, Lurrr, at an optimal interview location where I sat down with him and discussed, amongst other things, his match with Triple M at Blood on the Battlefield. Roll the footage, daddy-o!
*The camera takes a bit longer than anticipated to cut away, we get a glimpse of Warrick grabbing a pipe from off camera and beginning to puff on it…we cut away. We fade into a local bar. Lurrr is seated at a table a few feet from the bar with a pitcher containing a dark beer. There are two glasses, one in front of Lurrr, another in front of Warrick. Lurrr starts to pour a glass for Warrick and then one for himself*
Warrick Hill: Well, thanks for agreeing to meet up with me, Lurrr…I had planned on a surprise interview…but that fell through…I’d say you’re a suitable replacement.
Lurrr: I take offense to the fact I wasn’t your number one choice, Warrick. Not to mention, before I retired, we were at each other’s throats in a heated feud…however, nobody likes to drink alone…by the way, you’re buying.
Warrick Hill: Shit, no problem there, I’ll just use the company card Ace gave us when we informed him we were putting together a pre-show. Drinks are on me!!
Lurrr: Ahhh still finding ways to screw the boss!!
*A bunch of old, bearded patrons rush to the bar and order everything from bottles of beer to exotic, multi layered shots…one guy orders a Sea Breeze, he gets a bunch of weird looks*
Lurrr: What a pussy, his drink is NOT on us.
Warrick Hill: Yea, bartender, make that bitch pay for his own drink!!
*The man has already guzzled down half of his drink when the bartender asks for him to pay up. He holds his arms up, signifying he is broke. The bartender looks at Warrick and Lurrr…they both sigh and stand up. They walk towards the man, Lurrr drills him with The Wake Up Call!!! The man falls over…Warrick picks him back up and hurls him, head first, through the front door, the man goes flying out of the bar. Warrick and Lurrr wipe their hands clean and head back to their table*
Bartender: Umm, there’s still half a drink left here…you guys can have it, seeing as you assisted me in taking out the trash.
Warrick Hill: What? And get herpes all over my freakin mouth a week before the biggest Pay Per View of the year…an event so big groupies will be lined up, just waiting to have a train ran on them? No thanks, bartender man…
Lurrr: Yea, what he said
*The bartender shakes his head and tosses the rest of the drink away, along with the glass*
Warrick Hill: Good move, that glass would never again reach sanitary levels.
*Lurrr pours himself another glass, Warrick, feeling like he’s being left behind chugs the rest of his and Lurrr pours him another. They signal for the bartender to bring them another pitcher*
Lurrr: So, are you going to ask me any questions, or are we going to sit here and get shit faced? I’m good either way…
Warrick Hill: I guess I should ask you something…
*Warrick thinks for a moment, looks around the room, spots one of the elder patrons wearing a ‘retired vet’ shirt…this causes Warrick to have a moment of clarity*
Warrick Hill: Ah! Yea, so you retired like a little while ago…how’s retirement going? I know it’s only been like two weeks…but are you enjoying the retired life?
Lurrr: It's been good just smoking some cigars, drinking some booze, and I have made it out to Vegas a couple of times, but the luck for some reason has not changed since I have become retired.
*Lurrr and Warrick down another glass of beer, almost as if it were a race…they go in for another refill, the second pitcher is almost finished*
Warrick Hill: That sucks…do you ever worry that you’re going to blow all your savings due to gambling and alcoholism and may have to return to GCWA?
Lurrr: Well you never know, but to be honest with you the contracts that I have signed in the past have always guaranteed me rights to much of my merchandise and even a cut of what these companies may still try to sell so I have always had a income coming in, so it's safe to say I will be taken care of.
Warrick Hill: Are you serious?? Mother fucker…how come nobody ever told me I could do that before…the only reason I keep returning is because my funds run seriously low after a few months of retirement…I need a new agent.
*They order a new pitcher…Warrick spots a man wearing a ‘Deep Throat’ t-shirt…he’s reminded of X-Rated Movies*
Warrick Hill: So, you were the king of the X-Division…how do you feel about the state of the X-Division? Crazy Chris, Dangerous Dan, Jaiden Rishel and Robert Santana are competing for the X-Title at Blood on the Battlefield…is the division thriving or in serious need of a makeover?
Lurrr: You know I think there are some hits and misses in that group, I mean none of them can touch what I have done, but guys like Chris and Robert have kept the division alive. I think Dan really should be competing with some of the big guys and the Rishel character I have no clue who he is. But hopefully some new blood can also infuse this division and keep it strong.
Warrick Hill: Yea, I don’t know anything about Rishel either…I’ve seen his picture and, well, he looks like he’s twelve. I knew Ace was hard up for talent, but raiding the playgrounds at Elementary Schools seems a bit desperate, even if the kid has potential. The main event is an interesting match, as far as you’re concerned…while you never really liked anyone, you seemed to really dislike both Bifford and Draco. Who will you be pulling against the least in the World Title match?
Lurrr: Man that's a tough question cause I could give a shit about the outcome of this one. I will say that this is probably the toughest test Draco has had in almost 4 months, but to be honest with you I will not be pulling for anyone. My prediction though.... you have to go with the guy who has dominated the World Title picture for almost 6 months now. Until someone can prove that they can beat him then I won't pick against him, but that doesn't mean I want either of these men to win. Who knows maybe Kreller Masters will rise form the dead and steal it!
Warrick Hill: Hey, I’m sure Bifford would step out of the way if Kreller was a legit option. As the reigning Wrestler of the Year, you know what it takes to be a wrestler of the year…we are already a third of the way through 2010…who, on the roster, do you see as the 2010 Wrestler of the Year?
Lurrr: Pretty easy one there, Draco.... Hey make yourself useful run up to the bar and grab another pitcher, on the boss of course.
Warrick Hill: You read my mind…
*Warrick signals to the bartender, he brings them two pitchers. Warrick and Lurrr push their glasses aside and drink straight out of the pitcher*
Warrick Hill: You were an OCW legend…I remember this because I did the ring announcing duties in OCW and I remember announcing your name many times. Triple M was one as well…now he’s in GCWA and he’s going right after you…what do you think about Triple M and why do you think he’s going after you in GCWA after never going after you in OCW?
Lurrr: Well you have to question his timing once again. If memory serves me correctly he showed his face around the company I built when I had to leave due to personal issues. Nothing could have brought me back in during those times. Now he seems to have bluffed and tried to pull this shit once again assuming he would get no answer. When I was sitting at home watching him put to sleep the millions of viewers I decided that I should take this opportunity to show him some respect. Of all his accolades and accomplishments when you put our careers side by side it's not even close.
Warrick Hill: Yea, he earned the label, in OCW, as the best wrestler to never win the World Title. Word on the street is that he’s improved from his OCW days…he may be trying to ‘re-write’ history and get some closure on the open wounds that were left by not accomplishing his goals in OCW. What better way to start than by going after the man many people called ‘Mr. OCW’. Do you think we’ll see a more improved, determined Triple M or are we going to see the same Triple M we saw in OCW?
*Lurrr is about to answer when the screen immediately cuts off and switches to a man only in boxers. He is standing in a kitchen, holding a orange, purple and white box reading ‘Fed-XXX’ on it…a chubby chick, in just her bra and panties, stands opposite of him, with her hand on the package…we quickly recognize the man as Pete ‘Pornstar’ Parker*
Pete Parker: Umm, excuse me, ma’am…but your hand is on my package…
Chubby Lady: Oh my…a bit forward, are we?
Pete Parker: I’m just here to deliver my package…
Chubby Lady: Well, then, what are we waiting for…
*the nWo music begins to play as the chubby lady puts her hands around the elastic waist band of Pete Parker’s boxers…we hear a few curse words uttered off screen before the tape is cut off and we are staring at a black screen. We then cut to a shot of Warrick Hill, standing in line at the dunk tank*
Warrick Hill: Uhhh, sorry GCWA fans…I guess the rest of my interview with Lurrr was taped over…
*A fan watching the pre-show on his smart phone, standing in line behind Warrick, speaks*
Fan: Dude, was that Pete Parker?
Warrick Hill: Due to legal issues, I can’t comment on that
Fan: Is Pete Parker joining GCWA?
Warrick Hill: Like I said…
Fan: Who the hell still uses VHS tapes?
*Warrick gets pissed, grabs the fan by the collar and throws him at the dunk tank, he hits the target and Martin Ka’Berryon splashes into the murky water*
Warrick Hill: Okay…well, since we have some unexpected time on our hands…how about we take a look at last years Blood on the Battlefield!
*We fade out and see the Blood on the Battlefield III logo*
*The screen changes to the image of The Big Bifford and The Lost Soul sitting at a picnic table surrounded by fans. Bifford smiles and nods to the fans who cheer for him*
Bifford: Welcome, The Lost Soul. How’ve you been?
*The Lost Soul just looks at Bifford apprehensively.*
Bifford: How're you doing?
TLS: It depends on how you look at things. Good or bad, it's all relative to the surroundings around you.
Bifford: Great to hear, great to hear. Do you know what the main event is for Blood on the Battlefield?
TLS: The Great Bifford will go up against Draco for the World title.
Bifford: So what's your prediction, bad boy? Me or Draco?
TLS: Bifford can win if he can gets his hands on Draco. But if the match goes for longer than 15 minutes, it will be Draco's advantage.
Bifford: Do you have a match at the show? I'll be honest, I'm in the main event so I'm very busy and don't have time to memorize other people's matches.
TLS: No, TLS does not have a match.
*Bifford blinks and looks over his program.*
Bifford: It seems you do have a match.. You’re just messing with me, aren’t you? Haha. I get it. So what do you think about your opponent?
TLS: He is a confused young man.
Bifford: Excellent. Sounds like you have a great deal of confidence, for someone who still doesn't have his soul.. You know I still have lots of your soul, right?
TLS: You also have a lot of my food as well. Stop eating the all the donuts.
Bifford: But they’re so tasty.. So listen, spill your true thoughts: What do you think of Derek the Mobley? |
