WWE Monday Night Raw
December 5th, 2005

Welcome to "Catch-Up" Day here on the Accelerator's Wrestling Rollercoaster. At least, hopefully just today. We'll have to see how things go during this shift I've got at work.

Over the last few weeks, time crunches began, well, crushing me. Finals were bigger deals than ever before, as I'm looking to be graduating this coming Saturday. Yep, that's right, your friend the Ace is going to soon be Ace, College Graduate! The miracle that no one (included me) is finally happening! Everyone rejoice!


Ok, so none of you are too excited. So what? I'm happy enough for all of ya!!!!

At least, I think so... *counts heads* Yep, just enough to go around.

Of course, with finals, graduation plans, the holidays just around the corner, an ailing wife (you KNOW the Ace takes care of his woman!), and various other issues, I've fallen horribly behind in my "Results" section of the website. In the old days, this would mean cutting my losses and maybe trying to get it started again sometime. But this isn't the old days. I'm rather proud of my recent collection of Raw/Smackdown/TNA/PPV results, and I want to keep it going.

So that means catching up, one column at a time. So we're going back to the old video footage, we're looking at other people's columns on the subjects, and we're going to have something up for every show from the last 10 days! Believe it!

So, with that in mind *cracks knuckles* Let's get to it.

First on the menu, it's Monday Night Raw, with Eric Bischoff having failed the week before to succeed in his goal (getting the WWE Title off of John Cena). Will he be fired, or will he use his Elimination Chamber to keep him safe one more year?

- The show starts with Joey Styles reviewing some of the events for tonight, including Ric Flair (and his road rage incident) appearing as the first guest on Edge's new show, the Cutting Edge. Not too surprising, I suppose, to have Vince taking advantage of publicity. After all, ANY publicity is good, right? Right?

- Vince McMahon made his way out to the ring in a garbage truck. Well, at least it didn't hit the top of the 'Tron this time. The ring's laid out with a chair in the center, and two podiums on either side, with red carpeting. Vince talks about how Eric Bischoff failed the week before, then talks about "taking out the trash". He calls a sad Bischoff to the ring, who almost immediately goes into "pleading" mode, asking to keep his job. Vince answers by pointing out the set-up in the ring, and says that, for the first time ever, we will be having the Trial of Eric Bischoff! Vince, of course, will be the deciding judge. Right there, I'd be filing for Vince to recuse himself, because he's obviously biased, but that's just me.

Vince then brings out Bischoff's defense attorney: the Coach! Jonathan Coachman comes down, much to Bischoff's apparently dismay, but at least he looks like a lawyer. Several Johnny Cochran references are made. The Coach promises Bischoff that he's got this, then proceeds to call Bischoff an a-hole, much to the joy of the crowd. But the Coach explains that Bischoff isn't supposed to be the nice guy, he's supposed to deliver great tv, and he has for four years. Coach promises to prove that, not only does Bischoff deserve to keep his job, he deserves a raise! Gutsy, there, Coach, very gutsy.

Next, Vince brings out the prosecuting attorney, and wouldn't you know it, it's Mick Foley! Foley comes out with a Batman lunchbox for a briefcase, waving to the fans. Foley couldn't help but mention the WCW "Match Announcement" incident, where WCW told fans that Foley was going to win the WWF World Title, which promptly sent everyone over to see the match. Foley promises to show how Bischoff hasn't entertained, and that he's too deceitful (isn't that a plus for GMs? Oh well). Foley also, of course, pops the crowd in Charleston, South Carolina.

Vince ends things by saying that they'd be taking the court case to other surroundings, which will allow the matches to take place. What a concept. Honestly, as much as I love angle-driven shows, I just spent four paragraphs on the opening segment, and I expect I'll be taking up a lot more room as the show goes on.

- Match #1: Kane & The Big Show stayed the Raw Tag Champs, winning a "Fatal Fourway" Match over Val Venis & Viscera, the Heart Throbs, and Gene Snitsky & Tyson Tomko. This was basically a four-way squash, as Kane & the Big Show fought against, and decimated, every other team. In the end, Venis, Romeo, & Tomko felt a Triple Chokeslam from the champs, with all three getting pinned. The bell that was rung needed to be followed by 9 more, as the Tag-Team Division, which seemed to be fighting to come back on Raw, died again. Sad.

- In the Court of Raw, Vince took his seat in the judge's box, with a shirtless Chris Masters as the baliff. Strange, but ok. More strange is Vince not having a problem with the shirtless baliff, but has a problem with Foley putting his feet on the table. Oh well. Foley brings in his first witness, former Smackdown GM Stephanie McMahon. Stephanie says that both herself and her brother, Shane, believe that Eric should be fired. Stephanie then gets Exhibit #A played, a video showing Bischoff disguising himself as Vince on a Halloween Smackdown, then kissing Stephanie (who seemed to enjoy it at the time).

Stephanie now, though, has a problem with it, saying that Bischoff violated here, and that it's taken this long to get Bischoff's taste out of her mouth. The Coach tries to object, but Vince violently tells him to shut up, then corrects himself, saying "overruled". Stephanie thanks her daddy, er, I mean, your honor, as the clip ends. If I was the Coach, I'd quickly bring up another video showing Vince beating up Stephanie and costing her the GM job. Right there, you've got a conflict of interest, and the judge has to recuse himself! Ok, probably not, but I still would have done it!

- A video runs showing superstars in Iraq. Apparently this year it's Raw's turn to go overseas. Good for them; I have friends over there that would love to see some live wrestling.

- Match #2: Victoria defeated Mickie James, thanks in part to Candice Michelle & Torrie Wilson's interference. After Candice shoved Mickie off the ropes, Trish Stratus got involved, kicking Candice down. But Mickie, hurt and distracted, was rolled up and pinned by Victoria, losing the match. Mickie seemed mad at Trish for a minute, but soon seemed to go back to her happy ways. Intrigue!

- Tajiri is in the courtroom. Via an interpreter, he bashes Bischoff for ignoring him as a big star. He wishes a pregnant rhinoceros would shove its mighty horn up Bischoff's, well, you get the idea. Tajiri hopes that Bischoff gets fired, to which the Coach says that they won't be asking him any questions, since Tajiri needs to get back to the arena to wrestle Triple H! An angry Tajiri had to be subdued by Masters and taken out. The Coach then made sure to tell Vince that this wasn't done out of vindictiveness, but simply out of competition. Uh huh. The next witnesses then come in: Mae West & the Fabulous Moolah! Yikes.

- We come back after the break to Mae finishing up her comments by saying that Bischoff has no penis. Wowsas. The Coach objects, saying that there's no evidence that Bischoff doesn't have a penis. This is just getting weird. A video (Exhibit B) shows Bischoff being forced to kiss West and then gets ridden by her in the Redneck Triathlon. The Coach then objects again, specifically to West taunting Bischoff from the witness stand. Vince sustains the objection, then sends the two women out, before telling the Coach to call his first witness.

- The first witness for the defense, interestingly enough, is Chris Masters, the baliff! Masters takes a seat, with the Coash asking him to state his name for the record. But when Masters introduces himself as Chris Masters, Vince immediately strikes him for perjury, since his real name is Chris Mordesky! The baliff removes himself, as Bischoff & the Coach continue to have a bad night.

- Shelton Benjamin, in the back, is approached by his tag partner for the night, Shawn Michaels, who basically pumps up Benjamin by taunting him about how little he's done since he came to Raw. Yeah, that 8-month IC Title reign meant nothing. Benjamin promises a new attitude that night.

- In the courtroom, Vince tells the Coach to call a witness, but the Coach, after getting off the phone, lets him know that the witness is on his way.

- Match #3: Chavo Guerrero defeated Lance Cade with the Frog Splash. Not a bad match, although the crowd was popping for anything Eddie. This could be great for Chavo's career, or it could finish it off. Too soon to tell. Chavo won out by catching Cade with a DDT, followed by the tribute Frog Splash for the win.

- The witness arrives in the courtroom, and it's Daivari! Daivari starts out speaking in his native tongue, but, when asked to speak English, does so fluently. He praises Bischoff for giving him a shot in such a biased country. However, Vince missed everything said, as he was listening to Ashlee Simpson on his IPod. In his own words, "Christ, she sucks!" Vince doesn't allow Daivari to repeat his comments, and also says that Daivari won't be refereeing Angle's match that night.

- The Cutting Edge is set up, with Edge & Lita in the ring. But Edge quickly tells us that Ric Flair's lawyer has decided that Flair shouldn't be speaking there that night, so he won't be on the Cutting Edge. So you've been advertising that all night for nothing? Way to string out the fans. Edge & Lita bash Flair for a while, until Michael "P.S." Hayes and Sgt. Slaughter come out to the ring, saying that the boss said the show's over. Wait, Vince isn't there, nor is Bischoff, so who's the boss? Maybe Vince is watching via the IPod now?

Anyway, Edge starts insulting the two men as well, mainly focusing on Hayes, insinuating about his well-known problems with drugs & alcohol. Hayes, though, comes back with one of the best interviews I've heard in a while, blasting Edge for the lack of respect towards Flair & the other old-school wrestlers. Hayes also brings up Flair's 16 World Titles compared to Edge's 0. Edge then gets Hayes' mic turned off, since it's his show, so he can do that (even though Hayes was sent out by the boss... hello? Anyone home?). Edge then makes possibly the most tasteless remark in quite some time, pointing out how Hayes' long-time partner, Terry Gordy, is dead. That just wasn't right. Edge then attacks Hayes & Slaughter, but Hayes fights back, slugging on Edge until Lita grabs him from behind, distracting him enough until Edge could use the briefcase on him.

- Match #4: Triple H squashes Tajiri, finishing him with a spinebuster and a pedigree in about 2 1/2 minutes. At least Tajiri got in a couple of chops and a handspring elbow. No wonder he asked for his release.

- In the courtroom, the Coach's next witness is Simon Dean. Unfortunately, Dean doesn't appear, as the Boogeyman instead rises up in the witness box, doing his usual freakish poetry and smashing a clock against his head. Vince dismisses the witness, looking a little thrown off himself.

- Rita Cosby is in the stands. No, she's not one of the Bill Cosby brood, she's an announcer for MSNBC who will be going with the wrestlers to Iraq. Hey, the more main-stream attention, the better.

- In the back, Triple H scares off a small fry, but then gets confronted again by the Big Show, who talks about Triple H again trying to push people around. It's still weird, having Show a face here, but a heel on Smackdown.

- Foley's last witness (wait, didn't prosecution already finish? Hmph) is Maria, who asks Foley to have Mr. Socko ask the questions. Funny, gotta admit. Maria then fires off a very intelligent response to Socko's question about Bischoff, using words like "malicious", "capricious", and "disdain" to describe his actions. That possibly could have been the highlight of this trial right there. Maria then walks out, with everyone staring at her "assets", including the Coach. Vince stops the Coach from calling any more witnesses, as they're returning to the arena for closing statements.

- Match #5: Kurt Angle & Carlito defeated Shawn Michaels & Shelton Benjamin. There were definite problems between HBK & Benjamin in this one, highlighted by the end of it. HBK was preparing to tune up the band for some Sweet Chin Music on Carlito, but Benjamin tagged himself in, then went for a cross-body off the turnbuckle, but missed. Carlito then got the roll-up for the victory, as HBK just stood there and let the pin happen. Benjamin refused an HBK helping hand afterwards, leaving the ring. Strange ending, but it could easily lead to an HBK/Benjamin feud in the future, which could be good.

- As Vince arrived in the limo, Triple H met it, saying that, as the #1 guy on the roster, he thought Bischoff should stay. Vince responds that the only reason Triple H wants to keep Bischoff is because Triple H can manipulate him (true that, playa... oops, wrong show). Vince then introduces Triple H to Stephanie McMahon, with the former married couple (and still married in real-life) looking uncomfortably at each other.

- In the ring, the "court" is set up again, with Vince calling for closing arguments. Foley, short and sweet, tells Vince to use the truck and to take out the trash. The Coach then starts, but Bischoff takes the mic away, prefering to represent himself. Bischoff says that Vince himself told him that controversy = cash, and Bischoff's definitely brought a lot of controversy to the company. Bischoff also again brings out his crown jewel, the Elimination Chamber, setting it up for the next Raw PPV. He tells Vince to keep him as the GM, and that they'll make millions! Which, of course, to Vince, is a monthly salary, but I digress.

- Before Vince can give a ruling, John Cena finally makes an appearance, coming to the ring to cheers (and a few boos). Cena talks about Bischoff censoring the fans by bleeping their "You Suck" chants during Kurt Angle's music. Cena takes a quick vote of the crowd, and, of course, they want Bischoff fired. No surprise there. Cena tells Bischoff that the crowd just summed up his career in two letters: F-U.

- Vince then asks the crowd if they want an Elimination Chamber at New Year's Revolution. Although the crowd reaction, to me, was kind of poor, Vince agrees to the match. But Bischoff won't be there to see it, because "You're FIRED!" Vince then has Cena "take out the trash", as Cena FU's Bischoff (as the Coach runs to the back, separating from his former boss). Vince then grabs Bischoff on the outside and hoists him into the dumpster, getting them to close it (and apparently crush Bischoff!). Vince then drives away in the truck, as the announcers wonder what this will mean to Raw.

Summary: Hard to summarize this show, other than by saying "Whew!". I come back from a break from writing, and I have to write possibly my longest review in a long time! A lot of talking here, and a lot of segments. Basically, if you wanted to see some wrestling, you'd have to kind of watch around the edges, as only a few were really worth seeing (Chavo/Cade and the "main event" match). Ok, the Women's match wasn't bad, either, but there was a lot of interference for such a short bout.

Now, that aside, I can't ignore the high ratings this show got for the "all-night storyline". Those always seem to go better for Raw than having lots of separate ones, because people don't want to miss any of the comedy. I thought the trial actually was pretty well put together, and you could easily tell that the whole thing was basically a screw-job by Vince. I couldn't say I was happy about Vince being the one to throw Bischoff into the trash, but I had to admit how symbolic it was. I wonder if we'll ever see Bischoff back in a WWE ring now. Anything can happen.

I also like how the story continues until the next week. Who will be the new Raw GM? I mean, Shane was nowhere to be seen, so that leaves the door open for Stephanie, for Dusty, for Heyman, and for so many others. I remember thinking, I have to tune in the next week, to see who it would be. That's how you end a show.

The Accelerator