WWE Saturday Night's Main Event #35
August 18th, 2007


Larry Csonka is one of the hardest working IWC columnists on the World Wide Web. He's currently the Co-Wrestling Editor for 411mania.com, my favorite wrestling news site, and regularly reviews television shows & pay-per-views from WWE and TNA, among others. I'm honored to report that Mr. Csonka has agreed to allow his PPV reviews to be displayed here at the Rollercoaster, to help continue to catalogue the history of professional wrestling. For more great reviews and columns, be sure to visit the site. You won't be disappointed.


411’s WWE Saturday Night's Main Event Report 8.18.07
Posted by Larry Csonka on 08.19.2007

The search for Vince's illegitimate child continues...

WWE Saturday Night's Main Event Begins…NOW!

- Vince and Coach talk about the illegitimate child of Vince's. Vince is devastated, but Coach thinks he can name the child tonight for him. He asks again if he has all the info he needs, and Vince says there was a time in Kansas City in the 70's, with a black chick. Coach says he is black, from Kansas City, born in the 70's and adopted. Vince looks disgusted and says this will be a long night.

-Michael Cole welcomes us to SNME, along with JR and JBL. They hype the card and we head to our first match.

Batista and Kane vs. Finlay and Great Khali ©

Finlay and Kane to begin. Rights by Kane and he slams Finlay to the corner. Corner clothesline by Kane, another try eats an elbow. Kane is able to side slam Finlay and cover for 2. Elbows by Kane, tag to Batista. Clubbing shots to Finlay, off the ropes and an elbow gets 2 for Batista. Shoulder rams by Batista, hip toss and n arm bar applied. Irish whip now and Batista eats a boot, Finlay off the 2nd rope, Batista catches him and gets a slam to the corner. Batista sets Finlay up top, muscle buster. Finlay rolls to the floor and we head to a commercial @ 2:00.

Back from commercial @ 4:45 with Khali dominating Kane. Boots by Khali and he slams Kane down. During commercial they worked over the ribs of Kane. RIB CLAW by Khali. Kane battles to his feet, rib shot by Khali. RIB CLAW again. Kane fights out again, rights by Kane now. He starts to rock Khali, but he drops Kane. Tag to Finlay, he nails Batista and then Kane gets a right and tag to Batista. Slams to Finlay, Irish whip and a corner clothesline. Boot by Finlay, Bossman slam by Batista gets 2. Horswaggle is in! He and Finlay are slammed together. Kane and Batista double team Khali, and tie him in the ropes. They grab Horswaggle and RAM him into Khali! They slam him down and DOUBLE GOOZLE by Khali, they escape and double chokeslam Khali! SPEAR on Finlay! Batista bomb and that is all.

Winner: Batista and Kane @ 8:25 via pin

-After the match, Batista stares down Khali.

-Vince and Coach are backstage and Vince NEEDS to know who his child is. Vince looks in a mirror and sees YOUNG Vince. Wow. Ron Simmons walks up, looks in the mirror and of course says, "Damn."

-Back from commercial MVP is in the back talking about the boxing match. Evander Holyfield is here! MVP and he hug and he is excited to be here. MVP says he is better than everyone and will be fine after the heart scare. He wanted to fight Hardy, so he figured Evander could have the honor of taking his place.

FIND OUT WHO THE KID IS~?

Vince and Coach are in the ring. Coach says they recently found out that Vince had a bastard child. Coach says he has taken it upon himself to find out who it is and will do so tonight. Vince gave him all the information and tonight they locate the child. Coach says Vince is a world traveler, and he would be on the road many weeks at a time, and is a MAN, a viral man; a man with urges, natural urges. Vince says to get on with it. Coach says he was very forthcoming with the information and tonight they locate the child. In the early 80's he had a tryst in Kentucky, and he thinks THIS is his child.

Eugene comes out. JR calls this a Hallmark moment. Eugene has a mic and Vince says there is no way. He had sex with a stranger, not his cousin. Eugene says his mom met Vince. Uncle Eric says Vince nailed his mom. That's why Eric got into wrestling, to put Vince out of business. Vince says he wore protection. Eugene says he loves Dad and hugs him, and Vince dismisses him.

Coach says at WrestleMania II, the after party in LA, this could be his daughter. Melina comes out. Vince says it isn't Melina. Vince says she can't be because, he whispers in Coach's ear and Coach says it is disgusting. Vince says it was a July 4th celebration and their meeting, well, the meeting was harmless. Melina says he better hope he is because if not, she will take him for all of his cash. She leaves. Vince calls her an ungrateful bitch.

Vince asks if this is it, and Coach thinks he has one more but doesn't want to do it. Vince tells him to bring it on! The glass shatters and STONE COLD, STONE COLD, STONE COLD appears. I think we all know how this will end. Crowd BIG TIME into Austin. Austin says he never thought he'd have a jackass as a father. Good old pops. My old man. Maybe I can be your seed. The fruit of your loins. The result of what came from your grapefruits. Vince says Austin being his son, there is no chance in hell. Austin says it is too bad, because they missed out on so many moments. Play catch, go to a game, build a GO Cart, go hunting, teach him to water ski. We never had the talk of the birds and bees, and you seem to know a lot about that. How about sharing that first beer, second, a third, fourth, fifth, sixth and you understand. Vince doesn't give a damn. Austin says it would be easy to stun his ass, but that would be easy. Vince says that would be pointless. Austin says Vince's big problem is his over active grapefruits. Austin asks what he could do to help, and he figured…LOW BLOW~! ANOTHER LOW BLOW~! We have a chairman down. Coach is horrified, KICK, WHAM, STUNNER. Beer drinking commences. He pours beer on Vince's grapefruits, for proper marinating. Coach gets a beer bath as well. Vince gets up and Austin gives him a beer for his balls. Vince is rather angry, is up and Austin says everyone knew that would happen. Its good to be back in MSG and he says they should drink a beer to celebrate him being back. The crowd agrees. They toast…KICK, WHAM, STUNNER.

-Back from commercial and Evander is warming up backstage with MVP.

John Cena © vs. Carlito

Cena is all business, and tackles Carlito and delivers rights. Off the ropes and a back elbows connects. Boot to the gut of Carlito. More rights, off the ropes and a clothesline to Carlito. Carlito to the floor and grabs a chair, but has it taken away. Rights by Cena, but Carlito gets a boot and sends Cena to the floor. We head to a commercial @ 1:25.

Back from commercial @ 4:44 with Carlito working over Cena. Irish whip, reversal and a back elbow by Carlito. Cena gets the flipping neck breaker, goes up top…top rope fameasser connects. STFU is applied and Carlito taps.

Winner: John Cena @ 5:40 via Submission

-Orton is out and attacks Cena after the match. He rams him to the steel steps and Cena is down. Orton grabs a chair and sets it up on the floor. RKO ON THE CHAIR~! BAH GAWD CENA IS DOWN~!

-Back from commercial and we see the Orton attack on Cena.

-Todd catches up with Orton and says what he did was brutal. Orton says he sent a message loud and clear. Cena has just seen the beginning. 3-years ago he made history being the youngest world champion and will now become the WWE Champion.

-Some random whores are at ringside and Cole, JR and JBL hype the upcoming boxing match. They do a tale of the tape.

-MVP has a giant entourage now, tremendous.

-Michael Buffer is here to do the super special announcing. MVP has a special card for Buffer to read, which is just too awesome to describe!

Boxing Match: Matt Hardy vs. Evander Holyfield

ROUND ONE: Back from commercial for round one. These are two-minute round by the way. Holyfield lands shots and stuns Matt. MVP tells Holyfield what to do and jabs by Holyfield. Holyfield lands shots and Matt is down. MVP yells at Holyfield more and Matt is up from the count. Holyfield with body shots and Matt is down again. The bell saves Matt.

Matt gets instruction as MVP tries to tell Holyfield what to do in the corner. The whores are ring card girls.

ROUND TWO: Matt is tired already and Holyfield doesn't want to fight because Matt is done. MVP is in and yells at Holyfield. Holyfield goes to walk away and MVP grabs him, Holyfield knocks him the f&#k out.

Holyfield and Matt hug. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Winner: Evander Holyfield via Knocking MVP The F*$K out.

-Back from commercial and Tazz joins commentary.

CM Punk & Boogeyman vs. John Morrison © & Big Daddy V w/Matt Striker

Punk and Morrison to begin. Lock up and a side headlock by Punk. Off the ropes, tackle by Punk, roll up and a count of 2. Backslide by Morrison gets 2. They stand off, circle and a missed kick allows a roll up by Pun for 2. Off the ropes and a tackle by Morrison, off the ropes again and a leg lariat by Punk, a cover for 2. Clothesline to the floor by Punk and Morrison is down. We head to commercial @ 1:35.

Back from commercial @ 4:00 with Morrison taking a SICK backdrop from Boogey. He grabs the worms and tries to make Morrison eat them, Striker distracts him and Morrison tags V. Clothesline to Boogey. Big slam by V, chops now to Boogey. Irish whip and a Samoan Drop by V. Slammed to a corner, corner charge misses and Morrison tags in and Punk gets a tag. Slam by Punk, Irish whip and to the apron, springboard clothesline by Punk gets 2. Running knee of doom by Punk, bulldog countered and an elbow by Punk, but he is tossed by Morrison, cover for 2. Punk gets a small package and that is all.

Winner: CM Punk & Boogeyman @ 6:40 via pin

Remember to send your thoughts on the show for the 4R's!

(Thanks to Larry Csonka and 411mania.com for usage of this review)