Larry Csonka is one of the hardest working IWC columnists on the World Wide Web. He's currently the Co-Wrestling Editor for 411mania.com, my favorite wrestling news site, and regularly reviews television shows & pay-per-views from WWE and TNA, among others. I'm honored to report that Mr. Csonka has agreed to allow his PPV reviews to be displayed here at the Rollercoaster, to help continue to catalogue the history of professional wrestling. For more great reviews and columns, be sure to visit the site. You won't be disappointed.
411’s WWE Royal Rumble Report 1.29.06|
Posted by Larry Csonka on 1.29.2006
A win for a brother, a champion falls and the ring falls to pieces!
Todd, Maria and Josh are hosting WWE.com Heat this evening. Maria is acting like, Maria, and then went on one of her, "smart" rambles, it was hilarious.
Listening to highlights of past Rumbles, I really realized that I will really miss JR tonight.
We see some highlights of Shaq nailing Carlito with a chair.
Later on Heat we will see FINLAY~! Vs. Brian Kendrick.
The set has the guys that open the doors, all Royal like.
Kendrick has his cool little mask deal that makes you think he will eat your soul.
Vince will personally draw all the numbers tonight.
KRYPTONITE KRUNCH kills Kendrick @ 2:20 or so, Kendrick was 26.
They go into hype mode for the show in the last minutes.
Since they are in Florida, I would mark if Rock or Jericho actually appeared.
Joey, Jerry, Cole and Tazz welcome us to the Royal Rumble. Carlos and Hugo are there as well, I have no clue what they are saying, but they are talking.
This match is open to all former Cruiserweight champs and is one fall to a finish.
Cruiserweight Open: Kid Kash © vs. Funaki vs. Jamie "BAH GAWD" Noble vs. Nunzio vs. Paul "I will eat your soul" London vs. Gregory Helms
Brawling to begin, lots of quick pinning combos here and they try to pair off. They all gang up on Helms! BASTARDS! Funaki and Kash battle and Kash levels him with a boot. Nunzio with a neck breaker to Kash and gets 2. Noble and Nunzio battle in a corner now, Helms works over London and Noble with a snap powerslam on Nunzio, followed by a cross arm breaker. Dropsault by London into a cover for 2. London and Helms go at it and Helms tosses London to the floor. Nunzio gets the slice on Helms for 2 as Noble saves him. Catapult by Nunzio and Funaki with a bulldog to Nunzio for 2. Kash dumps Nunzio. Noble take shim down with a leg lariat for 2. Funaki with rights to Nobel, then Noble with a suicide dive onto Nunzio. Kash and Funaki in the ring, Kash tosses Funaki off the top and London lights up Kash with a kick. Everyone by London is on the floor…SHOOTING STAR PRESS TO EVERYONE BY LONDON FROM THE TOP ROPE! Kash is in the ring on the mat, Helm sand London up top…SUPER NECK BREAKER by Helms to London! Kash with a basement dropkick to Helms, Dead level to London by Kash but no in as everyone breaks it up. Kash covers Nunzio for 2 after a neck breaker. Running Yakuza by Noble to Kash. Funaki to the 2nd rope…Noble with chops to him and a Strong But Buster! Dragon Sleeper, broken up and SHINING WIZARD by Helms and he pins Funaki!
Winners: AND NEW CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION Gregory Helms @ 7:55 via pin
Teddy and Vince are backstage. Teddy wants to make stuff that is fair. Vince says he has it tonight. Teddy leaves and Vince's Devil's are at the wheel deal to draw the numbers. Randy Orton is here to draw his number. Randy is happy with his number and HHH is here. Victoria places extra numbers in there as HHH talks shit to Randy. HHH makes some funny sexual remarks, and HHH is apparently not too happy with his number and Randy says he is screwed! HAHA!
Referee Trish gets ready and Mickie is here to talk with her. Trish's music hits and Mickie wants to say, I love you. Trish is freaked.
Trish as Special Sexy Ref: Ashley vs. Mickie
Lock up and to a corner they go. Ashley shoves Mickie and they lock up again. They roll to the floor and then get catty. Back in and a wristlock by Mickie, Ashley rolls through and gets one of her own. Slow cradle gets 2. Wristlock by Ashley again, pulls Mickie from the ropes and then tosses her down. Mickie to the floor, Trish tells her to get back in and Ashley kicks her as she tries to climb in. Clothesline from the apron by Ashley. Mickie is upset with Trish's reffing, and Ashley attacks her again as she gets in, but Mickie nails her from behind and starts to work her over. Single leg crag by Mickie, she breaks it and kicks Ashley to the floor. Mickie picks up Ashley and rams her gut first to the steel post. Baseball slide to Ashley, and Mickie continues with the ass kicking. Ashley tossed back in and kicks by Mickie. Fisherman's suplex gets 2 for Mickie. Snap mare and a surfboard variation to Ashley. Mickie breaks it and Ashley fights back with kicks. Rights by Ashley, then rams her to the corner. Knees by Ashley, then tosses Mickie by the hair. Again and Trish warns her. Boot by Ashley, Crucifix to Mickie…pulls her hair and gets 2. Ashley with rights to Mickie, and Trish tries to pull her off. Spear, kinda, to Mickie. Corner mount punches by Ashley, powerbomb by Mickie, she landed BADLY as well and Trish reluctantly counts 3.
Mickie hugs and gropes Trish, Trish brushes her off.
Winner: Mickie @ 8:00 via pin
Helms is at the WWE.com station, GO HELMS!
Vince is with the chicks and is being Vince. Big Show is here to select his number. Show looks kind of happy. Rey and Show shake, and they talk about Eddie. Are they friends now? That makes no sense. Rey picks his number, he acts like Eddie pulled a trick on him, I guess a bad number. Eddie is dead if you forget, and he is helping Rey. Just wanted to remind you.
As far as I can tell, there is no bandage on Jillian. Continuity be damned!
JBL w/Former Mole Girl vs. The Boogeyman
JBL hides behind former mole girl. Boogeyman looks her over and JBL goes to the floor. He has a worm in his mouth and spits worms on her. JBL in to whoop his ass. Boogeyman with a right to JBL, but JBK takes him to the floor. Rams him off the steel steps and then into the announce table. Back in the ring and JBL chokes him with the wrist tape. Rights to Boogeyman, but he fights back and chokes JBL. Thumb to the eyes by JBL, and he MISSES the clothesline from hell and JBL hits the steel post. Pump handle slam and Boogeyman wins. Yes, Boogeyman wins.
Winner: Boogeyman @ 2:00 via pin
Boogeyman does his dance.
Vince and the chicks are in the back and MAMMA grabbed Vince's ass! Shelton is here to pick his number. Shelton looks happy with his draw and says he will toss HBK. Melina is here and she wishes Shelton luck, and MAMMA gets upset and takes him away. Melina hits on Vince as Mercury and Nitro enter to draw. They seem pleased. Melina says they will toss HBK for him. They are showing a lot of Rumble hype adds, are they doing it now? They are.
Wait, the Spirit Squad is here, joy. They get into the ring and do their lame ass gimmick. That is the sound of 5 careers going down the toilet. Rumble is next.
The Rumble intervals are 90-seconds this year.
HHH is #1! VIVA LA GAME! Rey is #2 and is driving out a lowrider.
Here we go. They lock up and a basement dropkick to HHH. Springboard cross body to HHH, and then a head scissors. Corner punches to HHH, Rey then stuns HHH off the ropes and gets a springboard dropkick. 619 and #3 is Simon Dean and the DEAN MACHINE~! HHH gains an advantage on Rey and tells HHH to back off so he can beat on Rey. HHH is not impressed lays him out. Springboard Thez press and then Rey and HHH toss Dean. They go back to beating on each other, and Rey then gets a broncobuster. #4 is Psicosis. He goes right after Rey! What the hell, what about Familia? Psicosis slams Rey onto HHH then tries to toss him. Sweet face buster deal by Psicosis. Psicosis tries a Razors Edge to eliminate Rey, but Rey gets a RANA and Psicosis is gone. Spinebuster by HHH and #5 is FLAIR! WOOOOOO! Flair jogs to the ring and he and HHH go right at it! Chops by Flair and then rights! Backdrop to HHH. More chops by Flair and HHH is in trouble. Off the ropes but HHH gets a knee to Flair. Testicular Claw by Flair. Chops again and a thumb to the eye. Flair charges HHH, but HHH backdrops him to the floor!
#6 is The Big Show! Show beats down HHH as Rey takes a nap I guess. Chops by Show and HHH flops. Show has Rey, head butts him and goes back after HHH. Big side-slam by Show to HHH. Slam to HHH, then an elbow drop to HHH. Another and #7 is Coach. Coach is in and nails Show. Show is pissed now and grabs him by his throat and tosses him. Good man Show. Show with a press slam on HHH! Dayum! More chops by Show, he then steps on HHH's head. CHOKESLAM on HHH! #8 is Lashley. Stand off time! Lashley shoves Show and Show drops him with a right. GOOZLE by Show, escape and Lashley tosses Show! He knocks him to the floor, but Show is not eliminated. Lashley tosses Rey around and #9 is Kane! Another stand off coming I think. Rights by Kane, rights by Lashley. They run and collide mid-ring. Big boot by Kane. Lashley off the ropes, reversal and a belly to belly throw by Lashley. Lashley with a press slam HHH! DOMINATOR TO KANE!
#10 is Sylvain. He wants to work with Lashley and he tosses him. Show is back, and Kane and he GOOZLE Lashley and double chokeslam him. They toss him. Kane and Show now go at it! Head butt by Show, boot by Kane. Kane has Show on the ropes and they choke each other…HHH over and tosses them both! VIVA HHH! #11 is Carlito. He attacks Rey, but Rey fights back but eats a lung blower! Eye poke by HHH, but Carlito battles back with rights. #12 is Chris Benoit. HHH tells Carlito to get him and it's CHOPFEST 2006! GERMAN to HHH! Carlito flips out of the German but Benoit gets a crossface. HHH stops that and gets a hard Irish whip to Benoit. HHH tries to suplex Benoit to the floor, he's on the apron and HHH crotches Benoit on the top rope. Benoit head butts HHH off…SWANDIVE HEAD BUTT to HHH! #13 is Booker T. Benoit and Booker go at it. Benoit dumps his punk ass right quick and in a hurry. Carlito works over Rey as Benoit and HHH battle. #14 is Mercury. Jawbreaker to Carlito and then a dropkick by Mercury. Running shoulder jam to the gut by Mercury to Carlito. GERMAN by Benoit to Mercury. Reverse DDT by Mercury now and then he goes after Rey. #15 is Tatanka? Carlito and HHH are looking at him like, "WTF are you doing here?" He runs wild for a bit, and gets the FSU chants. Chops to Mercury, and I will say that Tatanka does look better than his last Raw appearance.
#16 is Nitro. Why is Tatanka running wild here? Benoit almost has HHH tossed…Rey almost tossed, but they fight and are still alive. # 17 is Murdoch. He attacks the Indian right away, go figure. HHH almost tosses Rey, but Rey holds on. Basement dropkick to HHH by Rey, and #18 is fresh out of rehab Eugene! Murdoch attacks him right away and Eugene tards up. Airplane spin by Eugene. Rey gets a double bulldog to Eugene and Murdoch! MNM beats down Benoit now. #19 is Animal. MNM attack him as Eugene marks out. Powerslam on HHH that almost didn't make it. Animal tries to beat on MNM as Carlito fights to stay in.
#20 is R…V…D! RVD is rolling early. Spinkick to HHH. One to Animal and then a kick to Benoit. Double dropkick to MNM! RVD tosses Animal. Carlito attacks him and #21 is sponsored by the LOGO network, OJ! Lots of brawling now, Carlito almost tossed and RVD kicks away at him. #22 is Chavito! Chavo in with dropkciks and a reverse powerbomb to Rey. Head scissors to Carlito! SHIMMY! 3 Amigos to Nitro! Chavo up top…frog splash try and HHH tosses him! Group mugging on HHH now. #23 is Matt Hardy. Side effect to Mercury. One to Nitro. He and OJ pair off and what the hell is Tatanka doing in there still? RVD and Rey almost have HHH gone…but he is safe. #24 is Super Crazy is next. Up top…cross body to like 3 guys! Mercury suplexes Carlito on the top. Matt almost tosses HHH, but he fights to stay in. #25 is HBK! HBK runs wild as the heels attack. He works over Murdoch, whipped to the corner and caught his knee weird. He tosses Murdoch.
#26 is Chris Masters. Hardy almost out, then almost tosses HHH but they make good saves. Hardy tries again, but no go. Masters works over Rey, HBK is in trouble and #27 is Viscera. He is big and purple like Barney. He squashes Hardy. He dry humps Hardy, normally I hate that but, well, go for it. Viscera was like, "I am the walrus, Coo Coo Cachoo!" Viscera tosses Hardy, see ya dude. #28 is Shelton with MAMMA! Benoit tosses Eugene. Viscera tries to toss Crazy, Rey and HHH try to survive still and #29 is Goldust! Shelton with a sweet spinkick to HHH. Goldie and Nitro pair off and the ring is pretty full.
#30 is Young Mr. Orton. He charges the ring and he and Benoit go at it. He tosses Benoit! RKO TO VISCERA! Masters and Carlito try and toss Viscera….and do! Carlito double crosses him again and tosses Masters! Goldust and Carlito pair off now, in the corner…SHATTERED DREAMS TO CARLITO! RVD tosses Goldust! Orton tosses OJ. Shelton and Carlito fight on the apron and MNM tries to toss Ret. HBK KIP UP! Atomic drop to HHH but MNM attack HBK. Double gut buster to HBK by MNM. They call for the snap shot…HBK escapes and tosses Mercury and Nitro. Skin the cat and Shelton levels HBK with a kick. HBK gets a superkick and Shelton is gone.
Vince's music hits while the match is still going on and he doesn't look happy. Shane O Mac is here! HBK tells Vince to go and SHANE TOSSES HBK! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ali Shuffle! HBK goes back in, but HHH stops him and Shane escapes. SUPERKICK to HHH! HBK goes after Shane. Flatliner by Carlito to RVD. Reverse Enziguri by RVD and Carlito is gone!
RVD, HHH, Rey and Orton are left! RVD and Rey will team up and RVD lays out Orton and then he and Rey get a double leg drop deal to HHH! Rolling thunder to Orton! RVD up top, HHH crotches him and Rey gets tossed into RVD and RVD is eliminated! HHH and Orton work over Rey. Double DDT BY REY! Dropkick to the leg of Orton, one to HHH. Double 619 by Rey! Springboard Thez press to Orton, clothesline by HHH to Rey. HHH grabs Orton, but Orton with a powerslam by Orton. RKO countered, Spinebuster by HHH. Boot by Rey to HHH, Rey gets a body scissors and HHH IS OUT! 1 hour of work all for not by HHH!
Orton and Rey are left. HHH grabs Rey to the floor and rams him to the steel steps! He then tosses him back in and Orton stalks Rey. Orton talks shit, and picks Rey up…Rey grabs the ropes and gets a RANA and REY WINS! REY WINS! REY WINS!
Winner: Rey Mysterio @ 1 hour and 3 minutes
Trish is at the WWE.com deal and Mickie says she loves her again, and knows Trish loves her. Trish chases after her.
Dean, Chavo and Benoit tell Rey they did well. Edge says Rey better not jump to Raw, because his fairy tale will not have a happy ending.
Some crazy as slight rigging drops down, with smoke and tons of pyro. Ahhh, it's a special catwalk for Cena's entrance. It has confetti guns and all, I think it's a bit overkill, considering he's not the champ anymore. Big entrance, Cena looks really happy, I think he may be getting his belt back. Lita is nicely skanked out this evening.
WWE Title Match: Edge © w/Lita vs. John Cena
Lock up and rights by Edge. Cena back with a clothesline and Edge to the floor. Edge pulls him out and Cena tosses him back in. Cena slammed to the corner, but gets a roll up and cover for 2. Edge to the floor and Cena chases. Edge hides behind Lita, and tosses her into Cena and then SPEARS Cena into the steel steps! Edge gets a baseball slide that sends Cena into the 2nd row! Cena has to fight back to the ring as Edge was hoping for a count out, but no dice. Edge beats him down, and mocks him. Stiff boot by Edge, but Cena is battling back. Off the ropes, leg lariat by Edge gets 2. Waistlock by Edge now, Cena to his feet, escapes and Edge gets a suplex. Rake of the eyes by Edge, then a dropkick. Edge gets a right to Cena that tosses him to the floor. Edge to the floor now and dropped onto the steel steps. Edge up top…missile dropkick 1…2…NO! Another cover for 2. Rights by Cena, off the ropes and a lariat by Edge. Rights by Edge in the corner, Cena set up top, rights by Edge and he goes up as well. Cena tosses him off. Up top…MISSES a big Alabama Jam Leg drop and Edge covers for 2. Jabs by Edge now. Cena tries an FU, countered and a Yakuza kick by Edge. Edge goes up to again…cross body, Cena rolls through and gets 2. Sleeper by Edge with a body scissors! Nice. Cena fights, and has Edge on his back. Cena fights to his feet and rams Edge to a corner! Edge sidesteps and sets for a spear. MISSES. DDT by Cena! They get to their feet and Cena with the shoulder block. Clotheslines and the proto bomb! 5-Knuckle Shuffle time…connects and Lita is distracting the ref. Cena grabs her and Edge charges at Cena and then nails her by accident. FU by Cena. STFU locked in! That is all.
Winner: and New WWE Champion John Cena @ 14:20 via Submission
Todd interviews Edge, but he tells him to go away. Lita says how dare Todd attack them like this. Hacksaw is here! He has one thing to say to Lita, "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Bwahahahahahaha.
Josh is with Angle. He makes fun of Josh, and admits that he was impressed that Henry powered out of the ankle lock. I can beat people in ways that haven't been invented yet, and there is NO WAY that Henry can beat me and I'll take out Davari as well if I have to. And Henry, you suck.
World Title: Kurt Angle © vs. Mark Henry w/Davari
Angle looks for a way to take Mark down, but keeps getting tossed away. Angle tires to stay quick, Mark chases and v Angle stays away still. Test of strength, Mark in control with one hand and flips Angle over and misses an elbow drop. Cross body by Angle, caught and hung on the top rope and falls to the floor. Davari attacks Angle on the floor, then Mark tosses the steps over and back into the ring they go. Angle with a front facelock and Mark lays him on the top rope again. Mark steps on Angle and stands there for a while, that had to suck. Big splash by Mark gets 2. Bear hug by Mark… Angle tries to get an escape but not working. Angle gets a hip thro and now rights to Mark. Elbow by Angle, 2nd rope now…cross body, caught and Angle escapes and gets an ankle lock! Mark powers out. Angle slam try, Mark clubs Angle down. Angle escapes a slam and gets a GERMAN to Mark. Angle sets… Angle slam! 1…2…NO! STRAPS DOWN~! Ankle lock! Davari is on the apron and Mark powers out and a REF BUMP! Angle to the floor, gets a chair and nails Davari! Mark stops the chair shit and tosses Angle away and then tosses the chair. LOW BLOW by Angle! HE KILLS Mark with two NASTY ASS CHAIR SHOTS! He gets the ref, covers and gets 2! Angle goes to the corner and undoes a middle turnbuckle pad. Drop toehold to Mark, hits the exposed turnbuckle, school boy and Angle wins.
Winner: Kurt Angle @ 9:01 via pin
The Undertaker is here and rides out a black chariot of death! I am not kidding. Angle stands there hugging his belt. Taker motions that he wants the belt. Crazy Taker powers make pyro go off. Crazy Taker powers make lightning hit the ring and the FUCKING RING FALLS APART! Tazz is like "HOLY SHIT!" They stare down as we fade…